Reflections on Love and Sportsmanship

I exchanged phone numbers with a girlfriend recently, prompting an amusing discussion about rules spurred by the following disclaimer, which I had attached to my digits:

"Now for the fine print: it's always on, I feel like I'm always on it, you're never interrupting, I'll always take the call if I'm able, my usual incoming call cutoff is midnight (after midnight is usually reserved for emergencies and what little sleep I can get), and if I miss the call for any reason I'll call you back as soon as I can."

I gave a hearty laugh when she volleyed with her own set of rules for contact, which meshed beautifully with mine: out-of-network limitations, calling hours, availability, texting. A girl after my own heart, to be sure.

Those who know me well, and who appreciate (okay, tolerate) my rather structuralist tendencies, know that I am all about rules. I think that rules serve a very useful purpose in our society, our work, our families, and our lives. I applaud rules that allow structure, guidance, personal growth, education, and empowerment; I scream at rules that move societal and personal development backwards, impeding the progress of people who want to better themselves and others, and make a positive contribution to society.

It is difficult for me to respect organizations and individuals that make exceptions to their rules for anyone who takes exception to them. Without rules (particularly in the area of relationships), chaos becomes the norm and exploitative, abusive, even violent behaviors accelerate unfettered as people compete to become the center of the universe. Over the years, I've observed that many of the same rules that apply to love and relationships also apply to sports, jobs, and family life, and on the heels of this year's Valentine's Day, I thought it appropriate to share my observations here.

1. Don't cheat.

When you cheat, you are diminishing the value and spirit of the game merely to gain something that is worthless to you but priceless to your opponent. A cheater's joy is not taken in winning; it is taken in depriving someone else of something that they are worthy and capable of earning. Cheaters only cheat against opponents they know are better than themselves to begin with; not only is it a tremendous sign of insecurity, but whether the cheaters out there want to admit it or not, it's stealing. And for anyone who may require clarification, lying (including lies of omission) constitutes cheating.

2. Don't whine.

When people whine, whatever they gained from whining is worthless to everyone but them, because they didn't earn it. Much like a small child, whiners thrive on the manipulation of others: if I whine, someone will give it to me, which means I don't have to work to earn it. I've had occasion to see the spoils of a known whiner, and frankly, I wasn't impressed. It is poor form to claim a victory that you didn't have an active part in, primarily because it cheapens it for those who played fairly and won.

3. You don't have to win every time.

When you are obsessively competitive, no one wants to play with you. Obsessively competitive people suck the fun right out of the game for their opponents and teammates. I am certainly not saying to let someone else win for a change, because that actually falls under item 1. What I'm proposing is not being a spoilsport if you do – on the rare occasion that the planets align – lose. Sportsmanship is about playing your best game; consequently, good sports can walk away from a loss with their heads held high because they played their best game.

4. Communicate and understand the rules clearly.

Don't wait until the last five seconds of the game or relationship to decide to share a rule your partner didn't know existed, or to modify an existing rule. It's unfair not to give your opponent a chance to adapt their play to the rule you're declaring. As an opponent or teammate, if you don't understand a stated rule, you have a responsibility to ask for clarification. Do your research. It's difficult and discouraging to try to play a game in which you don't know the rules, break one, and then are penalized for it.

5. Don't sabotage.

Sabotage is, without a doubt, the cruelest form of bad sportsmanship. To let your opponents or teammates believe they have a chance to play and win fairly, when they never really did, is deplorable. It is the equivalent of shooting at birds on a wire. While sabotage and cheating are not mutually exclusive, sabotage does not constitute a "back-up plan". It constitutes cowardice.

Just because I draw parallels between love and sports doesn't mean that I don't take love seriously. I don't think of love as a game with only one winner, or really, as a game at all. It's life. However, by losing in love, we learn what we need to do in order to become better partners. Consequently, I deal with bad behavior in relationships the same way I respond to bad sportsmanship: by explaining the negative effects of the offending actions on me and others, and if that is ineffective, then by permanently removing myself from the playing field.

In response to my girlfriend's query of "Tell me again why I have rules for my cell usage that I'm sharing? LOL Takes all the fun out of it!" I responded that I believe we have such rules in our lives to afford others the opportunity to not disappoint us. The trick is to build – as I have done with Rich, shetracy, and the rest of the Inner Circle – relationships with people whose rules can be interwoven with my own in a tapestry of mutual respect and love, echoing Walt Disney's sentiment: "People look at you and me to see what they are supposed to be. And, if we don't disappoint them, maybe, just maybe, they won't disappoint us."