A Calculated Fall

I thought about love today, and
I pondered which is preferable . . .
Love by accident, or
Love on purpose?

When we fall in love, it feels as if we tripped
And unexpectedly came to rest in a lover's heart,
Like some shallow puddle of serendipity.
We can do little more than sit there, damp and flushed,
Almost embarrassed by the clumsiness of our affection;
After all, we had no choice in the matter, and are
Content to blame our condition on gravity and timing.
How many times can one trip into love in one's lifetime?
I suspect that each puddle conceals a breathless familiarity.

Yet when we decide to love, and to be loved in return,
And we choose a mate via natural selection, offering our
Heart as a precious thing to be treasured – an abstract dowry –
It feels far from accidental, and far more clinical.
However, in that choice rests a certain, solid comfort that
We cannot help but make the right decision, for we would
Prefer to be alone and defiantly happy in our own small way,
Than in haste, choose wrongly, and become entrapped,
Or worse, look a fool in the eyes of Mendel or Darwin.

In actuality, my preference is neither, or perhaps both;
Romantically clumsy according to plan, or scientifically careless.
Perhaps the best method of finding love is accidentally, on purpose,
By way of a calculated fall.

Reflections on Love and Sportsmanship

I exchanged phone numbers with a girlfriend recently, prompting an amusing discussion about rules spurred by the following disclaimer, which I had attached to my digits:

"Now for the fine print: it's always on, I feel like I'm always on it, you're never interrupting, I'll always take the call if I'm able, my usual incoming call cutoff is midnight (after midnight is usually reserved for emergencies and what little sleep I can get), and if I miss the call for any reason I'll call you back as soon as I can."

I gave a hearty laugh when she volleyed with her own set of rules for contact, which meshed beautifully with mine: out-of-network limitations, calling hours, availability, texting. A girl after my own heart, to be sure.

Those who know me well, and who appreciate (okay, tolerate) my rather structuralist tendencies, know that I am all about rules. I think that rules serve a very useful purpose in our society, our work, our families, and our lives. I applaud rules that allow structure, guidance, personal growth, education, and empowerment; I scream at rules that move societal and personal development backwards, impeding the progress of people who want to better themselves and others, and make a positive contribution to society.

It is difficult for me to respect organizations and individuals that make exceptions to their rules for anyone who takes exception to them. Without rules (particularly in the area of relationships), chaos becomes the norm and exploitative, abusive, even violent behaviors accelerate unfettered as people compete to become the center of the universe. Over the years, I've observed that many of the same rules that apply to love and relationships also apply to sports, jobs, and family life, and on the heels of this year's Valentine's Day, I thought it appropriate to share my observations here.

1. Don't cheat.

When you cheat, you are diminishing the value and spirit of the game merely to gain something that is worthless to you but priceless to your opponent. A cheater's joy is not taken in winning; it is taken in depriving someone else of something that they are worthy and capable of earning. Cheaters only cheat against opponents they know are better than themselves to begin with; not only is it a tremendous sign of insecurity, but whether the cheaters out there want to admit it or not, it's stealing. And for anyone who may require clarification, lying (including lies of omission) constitutes cheating.

2. Don't whine.

When people whine, whatever they gained from whining is worthless to everyone but them, because they didn't earn it. Much like a small child, whiners thrive on the manipulation of others: if I whine, someone will give it to me, which means I don't have to work to earn it. I've had occasion to see the spoils of a known whiner, and frankly, I wasn't impressed. It is poor form to claim a victory that you didn't have an active part in, primarily because it cheapens it for those who played fairly and won.

3. You don't have to win every time.

When you are obsessively competitive, no one wants to play with you. Obsessively competitive people suck the fun right out of the game for their opponents and teammates. I am certainly not saying to let someone else win for a change, because that actually falls under item 1. What I'm proposing is not being a spoilsport if you do – on the rare occasion that the planets align – lose. Sportsmanship is about playing your best game; consequently, good sports can walk away from a loss with their heads held high because they played their best game.

4. Communicate and understand the rules clearly.

Don't wait until the last five seconds of the game or relationship to decide to share a rule your partner didn't know existed, or to modify an existing rule. It's unfair not to give your opponent a chance to adapt their play to the rule you're declaring. As an opponent or teammate, if you don't understand a stated rule, you have a responsibility to ask for clarification. Do your research. It's difficult and discouraging to try to play a game in which you don't know the rules, break one, and then are penalized for it.

5. Don't sabotage.

Sabotage is, without a doubt, the cruelest form of bad sportsmanship. To let your opponents or teammates believe they have a chance to play and win fairly, when they never really did, is deplorable. It is the equivalent of shooting at birds on a wire. While sabotage and cheating are not mutually exclusive, sabotage does not constitute a "back-up plan". It constitutes cowardice.

Just because I draw parallels between love and sports doesn't mean that I don't take love seriously. I don't think of love as a game with only one winner, or really, as a game at all. It's life. However, by losing in love, we learn what we need to do in order to become better partners. Consequently, I deal with bad behavior in relationships the same way I respond to bad sportsmanship: by explaining the negative effects of the offending actions on me and others, and if that is ineffective, then by permanently removing myself from the playing field.

In response to my girlfriend's query of "Tell me again why I have rules for my cell usage that I'm sharing? LOL Takes all the fun out of it!" I responded that I believe we have such rules in our lives to afford others the opportunity to not disappoint us. The trick is to build – as I have done with Rich, shetracy, and the rest of the Inner Circle – relationships with people whose rules can be interwoven with my own in a tapestry of mutual respect and love, echoing Walt Disney's sentiment: "People look at you and me to see what they are supposed to be. And, if we don't disappoint them, maybe, just maybe, they won't disappoint us."

Memorable Quotes of 2007

Author's note: After reading this, I'm inclined to go home, diagram these sentences while chanting "Grammar and syntax are our friends," and then bang my head against my Oxford English Dictionary. Repeatedly.

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CORRECTED: "Don't Tase Me, Bro" tops '07 memorable quote list
Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:22 PM ET

(Corrects name of contest to Miss Teen USA from Miss Teen America in fourth paragraph)

By Arthur Spiegelman

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - "Don't Tase Me, Bro," a phrase that swept the nation after a college student used it seeking to stop campus police from throwing him out of a speech by Sen. John Kerry, was named on Wednesday as the most memorable quote of 2007.

Fred R. Shapiro, the editor of the Yale Book of Quotations, said the plea made by University of Florida student Andrew Meyer on September 17, accompanied by Meyer's screams as he was tased, beat out the racial slur that cost shock jock Don Imus his job and the Iranian president's declaration that his country does not have homosexuals.

Shapiro said Meyer's quote was a symbol of pop culture success. Within two days it was one of the most popular phrases on Google and one of the most viewed videos. It also showed up on ringtones and T-shirts.

Second on Shapiro's list was this tortuous answer by Lauren Upton, the South Carolina contestant in the Miss Teen USA contest in August:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us."

Upton had been asked why one-fifth of Americans are unable to locate the United States on a map and later apologized for her answer not making a lot of sense.

Third was Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's October comment at Columbia University in New York, "In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country."

Shock jock Don Imus comments about the Rutgers University women's basketball team: "That's some nappy-headed hos there," was fourth.

Imus created a national outcry and lost his job at CBS radio in April, but returned to the airwaves in December with Citadel Broadcasting.

Other phrases on the list:

5. "I don't recall." -- Former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' repeated response to questioning at a congressional hearing about the firing of U.S. attorneys.

6. "There's only three things he (Republican presidential candidate and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani) mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11." -- Sen. Joseph Biden, speaking at a Democratic presidential debate.

7. "I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody (Vice President Dick Cheney) who has a 9 percent approval rating." -- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, a Democrat.

8. "(I have) a wide stance when going to the bathroom." -- Idaho Republican Sen. Larry Craig's explanation of why his foot touched that of an undercover policeman in a men's room.

9. "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." -- Biden describing rival Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

10. "I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history." -- Former President Jimmy Carter in an interview in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette newspaper.

(Editing by Jill Serjeant and Eric Beech)

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True North

I rouse slowly, reluctant to depart
In the dim of the lamplight, I gaze upon you
In adoration
Admiration

Sculpted by the most talented of graces,
I gently touch your face, goodbye
And the softest of frowns creases your brow
Beneath luxe layers of sleep

The streets are wrapped in glassine
Reflections of the lights above on the below
The sharp pull and muted hiss of puddles
Keep my attention focused on the road

My compass has shifted
. . .Nearly imperceptibly
. . . . .And while home is still home
. . . . .Home is there, also
. . .My heart begs its return to your side
My North no longer true

. . . . .My compass has shifted
. . .And the question is no longer
Will I let you love me?
The needle points instead to
. . .Will I let myself be loved?
. . . . .My North no longer true

In this strange, rainy hour
I travel in the company of late lovers,
An infinite number of Seasons Greetings,
And a sad, solitary ice cream truck

I remember pouring love like a sieve
Into a broken vessel of a man
That kept none, wasted all
And yet, I find you fill my heart to overflowing

With admiration
Adoration
I set my broken compass aside and retire
Let these words be your kiss, good morning

The Alpha & Omega

In a not-so-ancient blog, I discussed my predilection for intutive gift giving. This morning, I unexpectedly received just such a gift, and was so honored and moved by it that I would like to share it with you here, with heartfelt thanks to my friend and kindred spirit, Ian Ottaway.

As the following demonstrates, intuitive gifts don't have to be material in nature. Sometimes, words - kind words, right words - will serve.

For all these right words, Ian, Rich and I thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Alpha & Omega (for Southern Belle)"
Written by Ian Ottaway
December 18, 2007 - Tuesday


He tore the old heart off his shirt sleeve
and she dusted the ghost off her shelves and put on some new and beautiful clothing and jewelry
they dropped it all into a plot
planted a tree over it
buried it and moved forward
with smiles on their faces
and a new born joy in their hearts
a clean start
a fresh new life
they had both earned it
they had both been down the road of ruin and burn
and so they took up a new life
and the clouds
seemed fresher and whiter than ever before
they could actually see silver lining in them!

The grass was fresh and their hearts danced like they hadn't in so long
There was a sheen to their new found stride
Their smiles finally were true
they had waited for what seemed to be a life time
and this time they would not jeopardize a single thing
cutting no corners
over turning every leaf before they held hands
there was a whole world inside them to discover
and the slower the better
together they were clean
and their hearts lifted one another's heart
like two fat cushy pillows dreaming of fine chocolates
even cupid blushed and nearly shit his valentine diapers at such luck!

True love ebbs and stretches like a cat on it's back and upside down
true love like the aroma of herbs mingled with good cooking, floating into steam and mingling throughout the house as you sat by the fireplace.....

They finally had landed two sides of the right coin.
They finally found the light at the end of the exit
It was the road they had tried to walk before
but with the wrong vagabond by their side

You could see it in their eyes
4 rays of pure light and symphonique harmony

The kind of love that not even death can get in the way of
The kind of Love that's flame is made of water
The kind of love that never thirst
clean as organique mud
and engulfs space and time

When they met

it was Alpha & Omega

and there was nothing visible behind them
family beside them
walking slowly bright

into everywhere

A Very Special Invitation

This was too funny not to post.

Standard Equipment

Perhaps most commonly associated with automobiles, the term "standard equipment" usually identifies amenities that were once considered optional (e.g., luxuries), and which are now considered to be essential or expected components in a vehicle (i.e., factored into a value-added pricing structure, which is a nice way of saying "You're still paying for it, and it's no longer optional because it's included in the base price, so pffffft!").

Driving around recently, I contemplated what would qualify as standard equipment for my particular vehicle. Power steering. Air conditioning. Automatic transmission. Power locks and windows. Overdrive. Cruise Control. Anti-lock brakes. Owner's manual. CD player and radio. Airbags, concealed roll-bars, and crumple zones. (Heck, in the not-so-distant past, even safety belts were optional.)

But as I looked around the interior of my vehicle while waiting at a traffic light, I noticed a few things that were most assuredly not on the sticker when I bought the car, yet they have assumed a permanent place within it . . .

A box of Kleenex (should sneezies ensue)
An umbrella
Another umbrella (for passengers or pedestrians in need)
Cell phone charger
A scarf with matching hat and gloves (now that the weather has turned colder)
Another pair of gloves (for passengers with cold hands)
Sunglasses
A set of two-way radios
A first aid kit (replete with bee sting swabs)
A book of CD's (my radio is a wasted amenity)
A tire gauge
A half flat of bottled water
A small digital camera
A kite

Yes, a kite. The kite stays in the car for those rare days during which the planets align and I am faced with – simultaneously, miraculously – a few minutes of uncommitted time, a steady breeze, and a lonely green space in need of some personal attention. Temperature is not a factor when it comes to the kite. Simply put, if the first three conditions are met, I can't be deterred and everything else will need to wait. And frankly, every time I see the kite in the back seat, I succumb to a moment of hope that the planets will align that day.

I have other standard equipment in my life, in addition to what resides in my car. Things that I would sorely miss if they weren't around, but that again, probably weren't included on the original sticker:

Family
The Inner Circle
The three beasties
Books
Music
Art
Education

As with any value-added item, such relationships and material things require an investment on the front end – of time, money, love, and sometimes all three – as well as regular maintenance throughout our lives in order to keep things in good working order in the absence of a warranty.

When it's finally time to upgrade my vehicle, since I am confident that there isn't a car manufacturer in existence that can incorporate the latter list into its value-added pricing structure, I've decided to buy the first car on the market that includes a kite as standard equipment.

P. S. Put me on the waiting list, please.